"I'm not crazy, but it occurs to me that it wouldn't bother me if she were dead. That can't be healthy right? To feel like if your mother was dead you wouldn't miss her. That you might be better for it? I just don't know how we got to that point."
"Well, maybe you should ask your mom that question."
Seriously, all it takes is an episode of One Tree Hill to bring on the tears.
See I could totally relate to this conversation Brooke had with her therapist, about her bat-shit crazy mom - who in fact she thought was responsible for a recent assault that Brooke was the receipiant of. While my mom isn't (or wasn't) quite as crazy, her and I definitely had our moments. Is it sad that I have no happy memories of her? That I can't remember a single time where she told me she loved me or she was proud of me? That even though she hasn't been apart of my life for the last 15 years, I don't miss her for a second? Honestly, I can relate so much to that quote above, maybe that makes me a horrible, wretched human being but I get it. I totally get it. And it breaks my heart. For my kids that I'll someday have, because they were robbed a grandmom to spoil them rotten & for me, that I never really had that mother / daughter relationship that I've so craved over the years. It makes me sad and it scares the hell outta me that I could repeat that same cycle with my kids someday. But I won't, that much I know for sure, and if I ever get that chance to be blessed to be a mom I'm going to everything she didn't so that my kids always know how much they are loved.
2 comments:
and that's all that matters.
what you do.
not what she did or didn't do.
your life is not where she left it..does that make sense?
my mom was abusive to my sister and i. she had no idea how to be a mother...but i knew what a mother should be, because i knew what i needed and didn't get..so that's what i give my own kids.
you'll be a good mom you'll see. that whole history repeats itself and you are what your mother was...that's bullshit.
you'll be okay...and it's okay to mourn the loss of your mother even though she's not 'gone'.
my mom never said she was proud of me. never came to one of my events. never. she was too busy drinking her life away...we have a good relationship now dont get me wrong, and that's only because i learned to forgive her for her faults and i realized, i am not my mothers daughter.
hugs girlie.
Mother-daughter relationships are always complicated...even when they're good.
I too am scared to death of becoming my mother - and repeating a relationship that is good - but not exactly the way I want it - with my future children.
I think recognizing a cycle you don't want to repeat is the best way to prevent yourself from repeating it.
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