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Sunday, June 28, 2009


Gram found out last week she has Stage II Breast Cancer. She found a lump in her breast, right after Christmas & didn't say anything to anyone. She didn't want to "scare" us. I noticed she was acting weird, I kept saying to my husband "something is not right, she keeps talking about dying & what's going to happen to our family when she's not around." She wasn't acting like herself but she couldn't explain what was wrong.

She finally went to get it checked out a couple months back and her family doctor told her to keep an eye on it, if it was still there in a few months he would send her for a mammogram. He thought it was nothing, just a cyst. Well, she went back in May. It hadn't gone away. He sent her for a mammogram almost 2 weeks ago. Her doctor called right away and told her they found a mass - not sure what it was he scheduled her an appointment with a specialist.

The specialist did a biopsy, and sure enough - CANCER. What we all dreaded.

Grandma is going to be 91 this year. She is tough as nails, still cooks, bakes, cleans - takes care of herself and everyone else around her.

She is strong, fiesty, good hearted. Sure she has her faults like everyone, she isn't perfect - but who is?? The H called her thursday night to see how her appointment went & I could tell - I just knew something wasn't right. I stood at the kitchen sink crying, trying not to listen - because I didn't want to hear. I didn't want to hear that another person that I love, was being dealt this hand. It's just not fair. I don't want her to be sick, I don't want her to suffer, the same way her husband & her only daughter did. I just want her to be the same gram I have known for all these years.

Initially when she first told us she had found a lump, she said no treatments. She's thinking about it now, which part of me is hopeful - hopeful that she'll decide to fight but part of me wonders is that really the best thing for her?

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Love / Hate Relationships

Diet Coke
New York City

We all have love/hate relationships, some more profound than others (obvs) but still significant none the less. While walmart and nyc are pretty high up there on the list, my biggest love / hate relationship is without a doubt food.
You have to eat to survive after all, to live, to function - but for me food has always been about one thing: comfort.
Up until the time I was 19 I never really struggled with my weight. I could eat what I wanted without really thinking twice. Granted, I was always bigger than most of my girlfriends but at 160 pounds I looked good - I'm 5'8 - I think the last time I weighed 125 pounds (my "average" weight) was in the 8th grade. I was happy, confident, proud of my body and curves. Fast forward to now, I wish I could say the same thing. At almost 100 pounds heavier, I'm not happy. I'm not happy with how I look, how clothes fit, how I feel. I feel disgusting, I don't feel attractive and I sure don't feel sexy. I feel like I have so much weight to loose that what's the point? Why not eat another piece of cake? Today for lunch you know what I had? Popeyes! My hubby is so great he packed me a healthy lunch of fruits and yogurt and grilled chicken and instead of eating that I had to have Popeyes. After I ate it, I felt horrible - not horrible as in sick but horrible as in guilty. Why? Why do I continue in these patterns? You know why, because I feel like I have this huge mountain in front of me that I have to climb, and I don't even know how to get started let alone make it to the top.
I'm starting to have health problems, my sugar was extremly high during my last doctors visit (diabetes runs in my family), my husband tells me at night when I sleep he can hear me literally gasping for air and I wake up choking. That is some scary shit. I am 30 years old, I am too "young" to have these kind of issues because of my weight - which is something I can control I just don't know where to start. I know I have to do something, I can't go on this way. A few doctors of suggested Gastric Bypass, the H is totally against it. He's so scared something is going to happen to me, which I can't say I blame him that thought scares me too, and he said that will solve my "weight" problem but what about my "food" problem? It doesn't teach me how to break my bad habits.I'm thinking about doing Weight Watchers, I've done it probably a handful of times since I started gaining weight and I always had great results, it DOES work if you stick to it. Something has to give, I know I don't wanna be like this anymore.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Grace in Small Things 6/365

I've been such a slacker lately, I really have - I'm sorry! I promise to be better!!

1 - Tumblr - better than blogger, better than facebook - I am addicted! Check out my site - it's like a place to store pictures, songs, videos, quotes, blogs - ALL in one! It's amazing!!

2 - The new DMB made me remember why I love these guys so much.

3 - Watermelon, I love summer time - because that means busting out the melons (no, not THOSE melons). Although, too much watermelon means you will be up all night peeing....just saying.

4 - Movie night with The H, this week we watched The Reader and I was reminded just why Kate Winslet is in fact our generations best actress

5 - Concerts,...last night me and a couple of my girlie friends saw No Doubt - who btw, can I just say Gwen Stefani is AMAZING. Love her. She may just be my new girl crush. Next up, Jason Mraz and hopefully Mat Kearney.

Things I cannot live without

  • The h
  • My fam, specifically my gorgeous nephew and BFF
  • Cheese
  • Glossy magazines
  • Facebook
  • Online Shopping (or hell, shopping of any kind!)
  • The Real Housewives of any county
  • Good music
  • Nail polish
  • Texting
  • My girls
  • Books
  • Cupcakes
  • Peanut Butter
  • So you think you can dance
  • Jeans and t-shirts
  • Movie night
  • Boys with guitars
  • Gossip Girl
  • Fresh flowers
  • Concerts
  • Baking
  • Long drives
  • Snail mail
  • Thank you cards
  • Stationary
  • Day planners
  • Fun jewlery
  • Cozy sweaters
  • Flip flops
  • Red wine
  • Hugs
  • Photographs
  • Love, being in love & feeling loved

Monday, June 1, 2009

Weekend Review....Picture Edition

This weekend included a little bit too much of this.....

Lots of hugs and kisses to this little guy...........

Spent lots of time with this lovely lady, so much so that both of our hubbies have declared that next weekend - we are grounded. Not allowed to see each other. Booo......

And good food and convo last night with this lady.....

All in all, it was a great weekend. Date night Friday night with The H - he cooked an amazing dinner and we cuddled up on the couch and watched the season finale of Grey's finally. Holy moly! Izzie and George? The tears didn't stop! Saturday morning I did some errands and then headed over to my SIL's for some shopping, and a cookout with her and a couple of her friends. We had a really great time! She made the most amazing steaks, ever & a sherbet, champagne, liqoured up punch. OMG, it was amazing!! After I got home, I pretty much PASSED OUT! Thank you alcohol! Then Sunday we chilled at home, I baked a little & cleaned, basically waited for my pal Kelly to come over, and helped the H cook dinner!!
Now it's Monday night, I worked from home today - because NJT was all sorts of messed up this morning. It feels like I already worked 800 hours this week, why is tomorrow only Tuesday??
Hoping this week is relatively quick and quiet. I don't think that's too much to ask for right??