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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Love / Hate Relationships

Diet Coke
New York City

We all have love/hate relationships, some more profound than others (obvs) but still significant none the less. While walmart and nyc are pretty high up there on the list, my biggest love / hate relationship is without a doubt food.
You have to eat to survive after all, to live, to function - but for me food has always been about one thing: comfort.
Up until the time I was 19 I never really struggled with my weight. I could eat what I wanted without really thinking twice. Granted, I was always bigger than most of my girlfriends but at 160 pounds I looked good - I'm 5'8 - I think the last time I weighed 125 pounds (my "average" weight) was in the 8th grade. I was happy, confident, proud of my body and curves. Fast forward to now, I wish I could say the same thing. At almost 100 pounds heavier, I'm not happy. I'm not happy with how I look, how clothes fit, how I feel. I feel disgusting, I don't feel attractive and I sure don't feel sexy. I feel like I have so much weight to loose that what's the point? Why not eat another piece of cake? Today for lunch you know what I had? Popeyes! My hubby is so great he packed me a healthy lunch of fruits and yogurt and grilled chicken and instead of eating that I had to have Popeyes. After I ate it, I felt horrible - not horrible as in sick but horrible as in guilty. Why? Why do I continue in these patterns? You know why, because I feel like I have this huge mountain in front of me that I have to climb, and I don't even know how to get started let alone make it to the top.
I'm starting to have health problems, my sugar was extremly high during my last doctors visit (diabetes runs in my family), my husband tells me at night when I sleep he can hear me literally gasping for air and I wake up choking. That is some scary shit. I am 30 years old, I am too "young" to have these kind of issues because of my weight - which is something I can control I just don't know where to start. I know I have to do something, I can't go on this way. A few doctors of suggested Gastric Bypass, the H is totally against it. He's so scared something is going to happen to me, which I can't say I blame him that thought scares me too, and he said that will solve my "weight" problem but what about my "food" problem? It doesn't teach me how to break my bad habits.I'm thinking about doing Weight Watchers, I've done it probably a handful of times since I started gaining weight and I always had great results, it DOES work if you stick to it. Something has to give, I know I don't wanna be like this anymore.


Mel Heth said...

I wouldn't do gastric bypass - I think you can lose the weight on your own. It may sound cheesy, but I'm a huge fan of The Biggest Loser, where plenty of people drop tens, even hundreds of pounds. And the thing I've really seen the trainers trying to zero in on lately is the WHY. Why people have love-hate relationships with food. What triggers their eating habits. I think if you can dig into the psychology behind eating and exercise habits, they become a little easier to change.

And if your health is at stake, you really should try try try to figure out a way to change your lifestyle. You deserve this! You deserve to feel good and not have issues like Diabetes! You're worth every minute of blood, sweat and tears. And you can absolutely do it. Especially with such a sweet hubby supporting you.

Semicharmed (Brandi) said...

Mel - I know, I don't think I would go forward with the gastric bypass maybe because for me it would feel like I was giving up, like I tried everything and nothing worked BUT that isn't the case (again, this applies to me not everyone else - I think for some people it really is the only option). I do love the biggest loser, I can't watch it though because well it hits too close to home. It literally hurts my heart. Because I get it, I'm there. I think your right, that I need to get to the bottom of it. Why do I need? What kind of void am I filling? I just had this conversation with a girlfriend the other day & I felt like I had a little bit of a breakthrough. I know, I think I have to remember that - that I DO deserve to be healthy & I DO have what it takes to change it. I hold the power (WHOA that sounded like I was He-Man or something). Thank you, thank you, thank you. You are a doll.