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Wednesday, October 28, 2009


I have a friend. A beautiful, smart, funny, courageous, witty friend (let’s call her M) whose been carrying on a relationship for the past year w/someone who is by all accounts gorgeous, charming, intelligent – funny, has an amazing job ; all the things a girl looks for in a guy.

Except, he’s married. Separated in fact, which forgive me for being pessimistic; I’m not sure I fully buy into.

They met and developed their “relationship” while he was very much married and unavailable, all of which she was unaware of. Eventually it came out, that he was married and had a young child and the classic “our marriage has been over for awhile”, "we live separate lives" and other classy lines that men who cheat on their wives tend to use. Over time, it was one bombshell after another, one lie after another. We’re talking major made for tv movie bombshells; yet, M stuck by him.

Because she thought he was the one, he was everything she ever wanted, they had so much in
common – she waited her whole life to feel the way he makes her feel – I could go on and on.

He finally left his wife a few months ago, after much pushing and prodding from M he told his wife he needed time apart and moved into his own apartment not far from M.

This came with some conditions though, the two of them still could not be “public” with their relationship because "he didn't want to hurt his wife" he didn't want to be labeled the guy that left his wife for another woman - even though CLEARLY he did.

He also said he would need to spend as much time as possible with his “wife” and their child, including dinners together every night and family outings so that it would help with the transition.

"WHAT??? How do you know he’s not still “with” his wife? How can you be sure they're not trying to work things out?" Was my initial response to her.

“He hates her” was her reaction.

“Obviously, he doesn’t hate her that much if he’s spending every waking moment with her when he’s not in work” I said.

I’m sorry kid or no kid, there is no logical reason he needs to be with her all night, and all day on the weekends. Unless of course, he’s trying to work things out with her. To me, it sounds like this “great guy” M claims to have found, wants to have his cake and eat it too (or as my other friend says, wants to “have his shake and bake”). His family and close friends still don’t even know M exists and as far as his wife’s extended family knows, the two of them are still blissfully in love and living as husband and wife.

It makes me sick.
But she makes excuses for him constantly, whether it’s because she really loves him or she just doesn’t want to be alone – I don’t know. But I do know it hurts her. How could it not?

I hate watching her cry over him, I hate when she calls me & says “Do you want to come over for dinner, I don’t want to spend another night alone”. I hate that he makes these grand plans for “the two of them” and their “future”, all the while living a life with his wife.

At the same time, M is partly to blame.
She could have cut it off long ago (like when she first found out he was married)!
No matter how amazing she thought he was, no matter how much they had in common, she could of said “Sorry, come back and see me when your divorced”. But she didn’t.

I don’t understand why would you keep torturing yourself all this time knowing someone is clearly not available: mentally, physically or emotionally.

Why would you let someone, specifically someone you love and who claims to love you treat you not even like your second best, but like your at the bottom of the barrel?

Is it really worth it at the end of the day? Would you rather be with someone who treats you horribly and puts you and your feelings last or would you rather be alone?

Me – I hate being alone, it’s one of my biggest fears in the world; I’d rather poke my eyeballs out than spend a weekend by myself.

However, I could never settle for second best, I could never settle for another woman’s husband – I could never be somebody’s consolation prize.

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