Out of Gas

That's how I feel for the last week.
Hell, who am I kidding - more like the last 6 1/2 months since little miss has made her arrival.

Like I'm literally on E, I'm puttering on and not sure how much farther I'll make it.
I'm in desperate need of a gas station - or in my case a "sleep station".

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change it for anything, and I would gladly gave up sleep for the rest of my life if it meant keeping this sweetpea happy.

But mama's wiped out. Like exhausted.

So much so that when she woke up @ 2:00am last night after not going down until 10:30pm (after quite the struggle might I add) - I laid in bed and sobbed.

The h - being the doting dad that he is, got up with her and told me to go to sleep. I couldn't. Instead I got up, rocked her and softly hummed "twinkle, twinkle little star" after my 10th go round she was back asleep, only to arise again @ 4am. You get it right? This is pretty much our nightly routine - only most times she is in bed by 8pm and up anywhere from 11-12pm and again a few more times. Oh and did I mention she's in bed with me?? Yeah. She is. Has a total meltdown when we put her in the crib. But at this point honestly, that's the least of my problems.

These last 8-weeks have been rough and I really am at a loss as to what to do next. I know she CAN sleep through the night! She did it around 8 weeks, and lasted a good 2 months.

But lately - if we've had 3 nights of consecutive sleep that's saying a lot!!Everything I read online suggests this is normal for her age, between teething and growth spurts and babies learning to soothe themselves to sleep, this is pretty much par for the course.

Friends / Family have suggested putting her in her crib and letting her "cry it out". I can't. I've tried. I physically get ill. They say eventually your baby will get tired and eventually fall asleep, thus learning to self soothe and fall asleep on their own. Nope. Not my girl. After a few failed attempts, that lasted over an hour she just cried, no - actually hysterically screamed, not settling down, only getting more and more worked up. While I? Laid on the side of her crib and cried right along with her. I've read online for a select few babies, cry it out DOES not work! Of course I have that baby.

Last weekend I started gradually putting her in her crib for naps, hoping she would get used to it. The first time she slept an hour and a half (woohoo); the second and all subsequent times after - SCREAMS. Ugh.

So my question is, moms - what did you do?
Am I sabotaging Sophia's sleep by having her in bed with us?
By not letting her cry it out?
Is my bedtime too late?

Help. I'm about to break.

20 Weeks

My girl, 20 weeks old today.
Where did the last 20 weeks go?
You're rolling over now, getting mad when you realize you are on your belly and you can't GO like you want to!

You are "chatting" much more, and I've come to realize one of the sweetest sounds I can wake up to is you "talking" to me. There really is nothing better, well -unless we're talking about your gummy smile - that ranks pretty high up there too.

These last three days have been rough, we're waging war against swollen gums and everything else that comes with teething. You are not a happy girl, which makes for an unhappy mama and papa - this too shall pass, that's what all the smart kids are saying.

Christmas is right around the corner - your very first!!! To say that we are excited would be an understatement! It's off to meet Santa this weekend, but first - I'm on a mission to find you a Christmas dress. Who would have thought it would have been THIS hard to find a dress??!!!

Your laying on my shoulder as I try to type with one hand, and I can't help but think these moments won't last forever. Pretty soon won't want to be held - so while I can, I'm taking full advantage of it.

You've completed us, our family in a way that I never thought was possible. You're everything I wanted, and everything I needed. You're the best thing, that's ever been mine.

Love you little mama.

Things they don’t tell you to expect – after you’ve expected

One thing I’ve learned since becoming a mom, is no one really tells you what becoming a parent does to your relationship with your spouse.
I’d like to think, no scratch that – I’ve always had a good relationship with my husband – he’s my best friend, my partner and I couldn’t imagine life without him.
But, these last few months have been hard. Not impossible, just hard. I think we are both trying to find our footing, me being a first time mom and him doing it all over again after 24 years (yes, 24 YEARS!) and not being in the best of health.
I’ve been back to work now, for a little over a month and he is at home with the baby, all day for 12-13 hours a day.
It’s a lot.The days are long, and my little miss is shall we say a little high maintenance? Very demanding, wants to be held constantly, cries when you put her down – yadda, yadda, yadda. It’s not easy for him. His patience is short, and me being the closest person to him, he tends to lash out. By no means am I saying I’m angel. I’m certainly not, less sleep and working crazy hours tend to make me a little irritable.
So we bicker, we’re quick to snap at one another and make snarky comments. Last week it all came to a head, things were said in the heat of the moment, that had it been a different situation may not have came across so harsh. I hurt his feelings, he hurt mine.

Honestly, I hate fighting. Truth be told I’d rather sweep things under the rug, and just suck it up rather than stir the pot. But you see where that got me?

I left him a little note the morning after – apologizing first, and second telling him really what I was trying to convey (but was somehow lost in translation).

We were able to talk it out afterwards, he was shocked. Shocked that I felt the way I did, and also probably I little shocked that I spoke up the way I did.

Lesson learned? Don’t keep things bottled up. Our spouses aren’t mind readers, or psychics. And

I really, really love my husband and everything that comes along with him.

So for my little miss – who I don’t want growing up and not speaking up for herself, or holding her own ground – I will stir the pot once in awhile, but I’ll make sure to add a spoonful of sugar (or two) in the process.